The week before xmas is the time when I get really down.
Amidst the bustle of putting christmas celebrations together for the children, I am inexplicably reminded of the people I am not going to see over the holidays.
I haven’t spent a Christmas with my Mum since I left home for uni – that’s nearly ten years. I haven’t had a Christmas with my Dad for much longer; I think I was fifteen the last time I saw him during the holiday season. They are still alive and in contacting distance – I intend to try and call them during the holidays, to try and make it feel right again.
There are two people that aren’t alive though and while they aren’t my family (being on my partner’s side) I do miss them. Dianne (TOH’s mum) loved Christmas and we have missed her at every one since 2003. Arthur (TOH’s Grandfather) died last year and it was difficult enough last year; I think that this year is going to be harder.
I’m not sure how to handle this – it’s not your usual kind of depression, in that it only turns up at Christmas and Easter, but it is a kind of depression. I know a lot of people that get it and it’s not just me that suffers, but how do other people handle the feelings? I’d love to know.
* * *
Another thing that triggers the December Blues is the weather. We’re surrounded with people singing Christmas carols and all the pop songs for the Christmas number one have snowy videos, yet here in South Wales, it’s wet, windy and… well, miserable. Last year, when we had snow before Xmas, the mood was a lot brighter and happier, but snow is just frozen rain – so why does it lift the spirits so much? And why doesn’t rain make us feel the same?
*sighs and shrugs*
I suppose my mood is mostly because I have had a tough month.
I actually failed to get the webzine out this month (which makes me feel guilty); I still don’t have a job and the part time course I am doing, while it is going fairly well, heaped so much pressure on me in the run up to the holidays that I completely missed out on the fun run up to Xmas.
I didn’t get to do Advent Calenders with the kids, didn’t manage to send out any cards (the one time in the year when I am sure that I have managed to contact most of my far away friends personally) and haven’t been able to do the xmas shopping in a relaxed way…
I hope that you’re all having a better time of it than me. I just hope I can pick my mood up when we get the xmas tree up…