Words can poison…

Warning:

There will be a frank, detailed post about child abuse below. If you can’t stomach this subject, then you’d better look elsewhere for entertainment. 

Thank you for visiting,

K.Morgana

 

Life is difficult for me at the moment. There are things that are going right (for a change), but the things that are going wrong seem to over shadow them…

When I was eight, I was sexually abused by my grandfather (hereafter known as He / Him.)

He never touched my younger sister and he didn’t like women his own age. He was, in fact a paedophile, before the word was well known. I don’t have many memories of what happened to me in that period. It’s a confusing mish-mash of scenes and impressions, sounds and smells.

There are certain places that can trigger a recall for me and the sound of water running into a metal container often scares me. The things that I can remember are seen as if I am watching TV. I know what this is – it’s called “Out of Body” – and its a defence mechanism that children use when they are terrified. Things can happen to them and they won’t feel them.

I can still take myself out of body, but that’s more of a concious decision and I don’t do it very often.

One of the things that He used to do to me was rub himself up against my back. It was always a prelude to pain and I never wanted to think about it again, so I wiped the memory.

Unfortunately, it wasn’t actually wiped out; just locked tightly away and this morning, the memory got out. Suddenly I was eight again and being bent over the drivers seat in his van. It was a fleeting flash of a picture, but the feelings came flooding back. It made me seriously grumpy / grouchy / hard to live with / unable to touch or talk to.

Along with that, a discussion that TOH and I have been having for a while (6 years or so) about my libido and the fact that I’m not particularly keen on touching him when we make love,…

… Don’t worry, that’s all the detail on that discussion you’re getting – I’m not talking about that in public…

…came to a head. TOH and I had the worst row we’ve ever had. It came close to him walking out of my life at one point and the emotion triggered more memories. Next thing I know, words are pouring out of me. I needed to get it out – as if the memory or the words  were poisoning me.

I don’t remember what it was that I said. It’s almost as if it wasn’t me speaking. Maybe it was the terrified little girl from my past talking and my adult side had hidden away from the pain? Anyway, after things calmed down, we made up and I called a counsellor.

I’m fed up with having these episodes. I need to release the poison that is inside and the only way that is going to happen, is if I talk to someone. Someone who knows how to draw the poison out from my wounds and can put a plaster on to allow me to heal.

I’ve taken another step on my road to mental health today – a painful, but necessary one.

 

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9 thoughts on “Words can poison…

  1. Sessha Batto says:

    Good for you being brave enough to take the first step! That takes a lot of guts, I’m proud of you. If you need someone to vent at, you know where I am and right now I’m sending good thoughts your way!!

  2. Sandy says:

    I understand how you feel. I have spent the last year and a half with a wondeful counselor. I have learned so much about myself and have a bag full of healthy coping mechanisms that before her help were seriously lacking. She is a tremendous source of comfort. She has seen me and me with my husband so that we can have better communication with each other. He needs support too as I heal because some days are easier than others – (I know you know what I mean!)
    Thank you for sharing. It is a hard, humbling thing to do but it is one step closer to loving that little girl who hides in the shadows.

    • mandyeward says:

      Thanks for commenting, Sandy. TOH is a massive support to me and I can only hope that as I get better, our relationship will get better as well.

  3. Nya Rawlyns says:

    I feel your pain and share some of your experiences. This ‘situation’ is more widespread than people know. Professional help is good but that may not be enough. If you have support groups in your area, getting together with women who have a shared history of abuse can be liberating. Some say you must learn to forgive in order to heal. Some hold to their anger and pain because that is who they are.

    You are not alone. Recognizing that is the first step to dealing with the person you wish to become.

    Blessed be.

  4. Suzannah Burke says:

    Oh, honey, I am so very sorry that you were subjected to this . I know only too well how your life can alter as a result. I am so proud of you, this was difficult to express. The flashbacks have started for you and that will be the beginning of the process, not the ending. Remember always that these things were done TO you. You didn’t deserve it, you did nothing to earn it, and YOU are not to blame in any way shape or form. I’m glad TOH is being supportive. I didn’t tell my 1st husband until it was too late to salvage our relationship. After 27 years together he simply couldn’t take any more rejection on a physical level. He just wore out trying to love me, and I didn’t think I was worthy of that love.

    You are worthy of being loved, you are worthy of giving love in return..on all levels.
    You are a unique, and wonderful human being. Those of us that are privileged to know you, even from a distance have benefited from your warmth and your ability to care.

    The road to healing is tough, I’m not about to tell you it’s all going to be easy. BUT this is the first baby step. You will stumble and bruise yourself, but I believe you have the strength to stand up again, and stand tall and proud. YOU have EARNED that right.

    I am an agnostic, and as such sought no higher power in my journey back to joy. I did however have a group of friends that were willing to help me. I finally discovered that I could laugh out loud and actually mean it.
    I am here for you as are many of your friends. I am not a professional counselor, and would never represent myself as such, I am simply your friend. I care. Stand tall, honey, we have your back.

    • mandyeward says:

      Suze,

      Thank you for being there for me.

      In fact I want to thank everyone who has commented on this post for being so understanding and supportive.

      My past has made me who I am and I need to accept that. At the same time, I can’t let it rule me, so this is me saying “I will not be bullied by the past any more.”

      K♥

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