Homes, Memories, Hair and Feelings…

“A cottage, surrounded by trees with a stream nearby. Like one I used to know.”

This line from the animated movie “A Flight of Dragons” sums up what I am looking for in a house. I want something warm and cosy. Homely and close to Nature in all her glory. A place that I can grow old in and leave to my children.

I watch “Grand Designs” with a mixture of envy and admiration for those who can afford to drop all their money into building the home of their dreams. Admiration because as a designer, I know how much hard work, stress and fear there is involved with that big a project. I feel the envy because they are getting the home that they wished and dreamed for.

TOH gets depressed when he watches shows like “Grand Designs” and “Location, Location, Location”.

I think it’s because he’s feeling more envy than admiration.

My friend moved recently. She had all sorts of trials and tribulations to be able to do it, but she finally managed to move to a gorgeous house in the mountains, surrounded by trees…

…And yes, I am seriously jealous. However, I am also proud of her. She worked hard to get that house, and will work harder still to keep it. That’s her way.

So, as I sit here and look around my cramped and cluttered rented house, I begin to wonder if I will ever get my dream cottage?

 * * *

I have to admit, I’m not exactly the most ambitious person in the world and I find it difficult to motivate myself to chase after any of my dreams. Even writing can be difficult to motivate myself to pursue, despite having set foot on the publishing ladder with Pfoxchase.

I regularly need nagging to get all sorts of jobs done – housework, job hunting, finishing craft projects – to name just a couple of them. I’m just not a driven person. I float along in a dream world, stories and characters flitting through my head, begging to be written about. Most of them get tired of nagging me and go bother other writers instead.

Is there something wrong with me?

When I was a teenager, I set myself some goals. Now please bear in mind, I was sixteen when I set these and I didn’t know a great deal, especially about how the world worked…

  • Have a Career.
  • Get Married.
  • Buy a House.
  • Have Children.
  • Become a Published Author.

Now, I’m thirty-seven in October. I’m still young in age terms and I have a great deal more to do and experience before I decide to give up on life. When I wrote the goals down from my sixteen-year-old self, I laughed at that girl’s naivety.

So far this is how life has really happened –

  • Had Children – They are lovely and I wouldn’t be without them or their father.
  • Started a Career – I haven’t finished with it yet!
  • Became a Published Author – I’ve had short stories published, I’ve self published my own book and I’ve been snapped up by a publishing company. It’s only the start, but it is a good one!

Two of my five life goals haven’t been managed yet.

  • Getting married – requires money and a man who actually wants to be married.
  • Buy a House – Just requires Money. More than I can actually visualise having actually.

The sad thing is, I can’t see those last two ever happening.

Don’t get me wrong, I love TOH to pieces and would never leave him, but something inside of me feels incomplete. I don’t know what it is, if I did, I’d be able to fill in the hole. Is it marriage? How am I supposed to tell unless I try it?

Buying a house… well, unless we win the lottery, I can’t see it happening at all. Neither TOH or I make enough money to do more than pay the bills and we can’t afford to save for a mortgage at all. Let alone buy a place like the one that I described.

* * *

We watched “Tangled” the other day.

“Tangled”, for the information of those without children, is the Disney version of Rapunzel. This is the latest movie and the 50th Disney Classic.

The story line is actually fairly close to the original Brothers Grimm story. The animators have managed to include the classic Disney hand drawn style with the modern CGI in a way that make the film unique.

However, I’m not talking about it just because I love the movie. There is an incantation in the movie that struck me right to the heart of what’s been bothering me recently.

Healing Incantation

Flower gleam and glow
Let the power shine
make the clock reverse
bring back what once was mine

Heal what has been hurt
change the Fate’s design
save what has been lost
bring back what once was mine,
what once was mine

When I think about my dream house – “A cottage, surrounded by trees with a stream nearby. Like one I used to know.”  – I see a blurry version of the house I grew up in.

In dreaming about owning a house with trees around it, am I really dreaming about recapturing my childhood?

In wanting to get married, am I trying to compensate for my parent’s divorce?

Is that hole inside me the product of losing my childhood in the way I did and my parents splitting up?

Unlike Rapunzel in the film, I can’t “make the clock reverse” or “save what has been lost”. I certainly can’t “bring back what once was mine” – I have to accept those things happened to me and move on with my life.

So do I need to fill the hole up at all?

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