>It’s strange how self confidence can suddenly drop out or speed up, especially when you’re depressed.
For the last couple of weeks, I’d been feeling a little better about myself. I have a job (well sort of – Freelance Copywriting) and my writing was going well – I’ve had stories published in three different anthologies recently… (see my website for details!)
I was feeling fairly confident.
Then tonight, I watched “How to Look Good Naked”. Don’t get me wrong, I adore Gok Wan, his advice has helped no end when I’ve decided to sort out my wardrobe – I consult his books all the time.
Tonight, it was about a lady who thought she looked thin and boyish, so she hid herself in her clothes. As usual, Gok persuaded her to see herself in a different light by the end of the (5 weeks) show and even though I was happy for her, glad that the lady felt happy with her body… it depressed me no end.
I don’t look at myself in the mirror anymore. If I do, I have to be stood up or my mood hits the bottom of the trough really quickly. It doesn’t matter how much I follow what Gok says, I look at myself and see a dumpy, fat woman.
A while back, I’d lost a fair bit of weight. I was just under thirteen stone at the beginning of the year.
Well I’ve put it all back on.
I stopped going to Slimming World because I couldn’t afford to pay £5 per week. I didn’t stop watching what I ate though and I was still exercising, so the weight pretty much stayed off. Then in April, TOH lost his job. He started junk stuffering because he was depressed and I followed along with him – I’m not sure why.
I stopped walking the kids to school; he would drive us every day. I stopped doing my exercise because I don’t like being watched – Normally I exercise on my own or I go to a Gym, or the Pool or a class (other people are too busy with themselves to watch you) – I hate it when someone sits there and watches me exercise (I wouldn’t get a personal trainer either) it makes me feel so self conscious.
The weight crept back. My stomach started having problems again (the pain has never totally left, but it was bearable) all of a sudden, I can’t eat anything healthy without having really painful gut problems. I went to the doctor and he sent me for tests…
I’m hiding again. I hide behind my physical problems, I hide behind TOH’s problems, I hide behind the title of “Mummy”… Most of all, I hide in my Writing. I hide because I can’t bear to look at myself, I can’t look myself in the eye.
I know that most of this is in my mind. It’s my lack of self confidence, lack of will power, whatever you call it, I don’t have it. It’s the root of my depression. I feel useless and fall into the cycle of thinking “It would all be better if…”
I’ve read all the things about how to defeat depression. I know what I am supposed to do to lose weight, to look good for myself and my family. Yet I can’t do them…
I’m so far down the depression scale, I might as well be underground.
Normally when I’m depressed, I stuff chocolate, cake… anything that usually makes me feel better. But at the moment? I look at the packet of Choc Digestives in the cupboard and feel ill. The flapjacks and carrot cake just doesn’t draw me. Nothing tastes right, I eat because I have to – I don’t enjoy it. I don’t want to eat.
Where can I go from here?
Well, I can go further down. That way lies death – not an option. I might be depressed, but that would mean I wouldn’t care about anything or anyone and I still care for my children and TOH.
I can sit here and wallow for a bit. It won’t make me feel better – it never does when I am this far into the dark. But I have to wait… wait for the rope to come dangling down the tunnel to pull me out. What it’ll be, I don’t know. When it’ll happen… well, picture me shrugging, coz I have no idea.
I’ll wait – help is out there and will be coming for me, I just have to hold onto that hope.