>I weighed myself the other day. I had to do a double take at the read out – 13st 11lbs! EEk!
First came Denial – “I couldn’t possibly weigh that much”
Then Anger – “I can’t weigh that much! It’s not fair!”
Then Shifting Blame – “It’s all TOH’s fault, him and his insistence on driving everywhere.”
Then I thought about it a bit more and got Depressed – “It’s my fault for not being in control of what I put in my mouth. I’m sooo stupid!”
After a day of ignoring it and stuffing myself with comfort food, I went to bed and slept on it.
When I woke up this morning, Acceptance had set in. I looked at myself in the mirror. I look like a badly set jelly. I don’t mind the stretchmarks, but I wish they weren’t so noticeable. It’s my arms and thighs that I hate the most – they look like a 50 year old’s and I’m only 35 this year!
So I gave the kids their breakfast, made TOH a cup of tea in bed and got out the exercise kit.
I decided to try something new.
I have a Belly Dancing DVD – I’ve had it for ages and this morning, I thought it was about right. Gentle enough to not hurt and energetic enough to burn some calories.
I was sweating like a pig by the time I got half way through and that was mostly from trying to hold the basic posture – I wasn’t even aware that I had abs until I had to suck the flab in!
I did an hour of the basic moves and then ten minutes of a Cindy Crawford DVD as a cool down. I will probably ache all over tomorrow…
But I feel good about myself for the first time since I was rejected at the job interview. I didn’t realise quite how badly that rejection had knocked me down. That’s the thing with Depression, you see, you become very good at putting on a good face for other people.
Sometimes that helps, because if you are smiling on the outside, it works its way inside. But it also hinders. I find that I sometimes find that I hide how I am feeling from myself as well and it’s only when I pull up out of the trough, that I realise how bad I was feeling.
For the past 2 weeks, I have been at the bottom of a trough. I haven’t looked after myself at all. My hair was grungy, I was wearing horrible clothes and even when I went out, I looked bad. My mood has been horrendous and I’ve actually felt ill.
After exercising this morning, I had a shower. I scrubbed and rubbed and cleansed myself from top to toe.
It felt good.
I slathered on body lotion and did my face properly. I dried and styled my hair. And suddenly I knew I’d been slumped at the bottom of a depressive trough.
Between them, the scales and the exercise had been instrumental in picking me up again. I can smile again without it being forced or feel uncomfortable on my face, like an ill fitting Swimming Costume.
So right here and now, I’m calling a Do – Over.
I’m not aiming for a Bikini Body. I don’t want to run a marathon or take part in a Triathlon (Way too much work involved to get that fit) but I do want to tone up and get rid of the one thing which has been the bane of my life for the past ten years.
I am fed up with the mood slumps, the negativity and the self destruction. I am fed up with being someone who isn’t fit for any kind of job at all. I want to be me again.